Thoughts on Improving Self-Esteem
As I go to write this, I am aware that there aren’t many aspects of life that self-esteem doesn’t impact. Defined as the regard and value that you hold for yourself, it is carried with you throughout all your days and touches all ways of your life. It’s the level of worth that you hold for yourself, about yourself and regarding yourself. If it’s lacking (and unfortunately, most people could use a much healthier sense of themselves) or damaged in some way, it has some deeply hurtful and painful consequences.
The esteem you’re holding for and about yourself is the foundation of self-confidence. You can speak the words, get the clothes, and talk the talk, but do you walk the walk? True confidence comes from a genuine sense of positive regard for yourself, which cannot be faked. I’m here to give you insight about how this is manifesting in your life and what to do about it if you want to have the long lasting sense of authentic self-worth that you can leverage in all aspects of your experience.
Self Esteem
Choosing to recognize that your self esteem could use a boost doesn’t mean that you’re weak, less masculine or feeble. If anything, it makes you stronger, more capable and more confident than if you’d never been courageous enough to go down this path at all. Socrates said, “A life unexamined is not a life worth living.” Simply reading this puts you amidst the few and the awake people that are willing to be truly honest with themselves.
This section is devoted toward some key points to consider to order to lay the foundation toward improving your sense of worth and value.
Self Esteem Is a Choice
You’re already showing that you’re willing on some level to take action toward improving your self esteem simply because you’re reading this page. Allow me to congratulate you on making this decision, for recognizing that you will benefit from examining this aspect of yourself is a major step in the right direction.
How you choose to view yourself is entirely up to you. No one dictates or can force you to see yourself in any particular way. You may have influences, history or learning experiences in your past, but it takes you to subscribe to these ideas. It takes 2: one person or circumstance to try to influence you AND your participation and willingness to agree with it. Otherwise, it remains a neutral event and dies there. If you don’t like your reflection, you and you alone can shift that. That’s a good thing and a challenging thing.
Challenging if you don’t yet believe that you have the ability to change it.
Good since you have the full capacity to see yourself in any way you want.
Take Responsibility
Hand in hand with seeing how you view yourself as a choice is taking responsibility for your actions. Assuming a victim stance is the first give away that your self esteem needs work. I love to crack at this one; people don’t stay victims long when I’m around because I quickly get them to see how they’ve created their circumstances, so they can create others. You’ll get no pity here, but you will get support and praise for becoming accountable to and for the only entity that you are responsible for….YOU.
One of the manifestations of taking responsibility is finding solutions in your life. When you recognize that something is not going the way you want it to, do something about it. Instead of staying entrenched in your problems, find solutions. Ask questions and be willing to hear answers that may be difficult to hear. Taking action toward solution finding is a sign of self efficacy and inner fortitude, which all contribute to confidence. When you take on a challenge and strive toward a resolution, your sense of self improves with each endeavor, regardless of the outcome. Your willingness to seek answers is the most important self esteem building component here. Despite the consequences, your motivation to quest, inquire, explore and take action is essential to improving your sense of self. No one I know feels good about sticking their heads in the sand. Knowing that you were willing to look at a situation and take measures to improve and innovate is sexy.
Just as a womanly side note: women are not, I repeat not attracted to those who blame others. This doesn’t mean that you should take responsibility for everyone else’s junk; it means that you recognize that your actions have consequences and assume responsibility for yourself. Once you see that you’ve created the outcome, you now can do something about it. This elevated level of awareness says volumes about a man’s maturity and development.
…and it’s super attractive.
Women want a man who understands that he is the master of his world and this doesn’t mean that he takes great measures to control his environment. It means that no matter what happens externally, he has a firm and sound sense of himself that is able to adapt to his circumstances. He is humble and accountable, self-assured and willing to improve the aspects of himself that need attention.
Practice Gratitude
There are a few commonalities I see amongst those with a low sense of self worth…they see the world through dark and doomed lenses. They struggle to see the aspects in their lives that are flowing well. They have difficulty practicing gratitude for things like their health, having resources and family around them. They instead see the one aspect of their health that is off, the lack of money to have the vacation they want or the ways that their families are dysfunctional…let alone all of the women they aren’t meeting.
This all-or-nothing perspective is a torturous way to live and will leave you feeling satisfied If-and-only-if you fulfill your precise expectations of how things SHOULD be. By the way, these outcomes hardly ever occur exactly, so it’s no wonder they spend so much time miserable. This leaves next to no wiggle room or possibility of anything (maybe even something better!) being acceptable to you. This enters the realm of dating all the time and the perfectionism I mentioned previously. This rigid stance creates selective ways of seeing your world and cutting off your acknowledgement of the tons of things that are likely going your way.
Therefore, for the next week, each time that you complain and moan about something, find something to be grateful for. For example, if your knee is in pain and you can’t use it very well, be thankful for even having a knee to use at all. There are lots of vets out there who’d love to have it.
Examine Your Expectations of Yourself
As you embark upon enhancing your self esteem, I encourage you to do something different this time…be patient and kind to yourself. This is not something that is amenable to quantifiable outcomes, deadlines and time schedules. This has no beginning or end; it’s a new way of being and a new lifestyle that you’re stepping into. This is on par with the reason diets don’t work…people put a concentrated amount of effort for a specific amount of time, only to return to the unhealthy habits that broke their pant seams to begin with. Adjusting your lifestyle means practicing new ways of relating to yourself, today, tomorrow and forevermore.
Along these lines, I invite you to reconsider your expectation of perfection. Perfection is an elusive and changing set of notions that can and will undermine this process. Your version of perfect today will change a day, a month and a year from today. What are you chasing? This fluctuating set of values that you deem important right now. Basing your worth on something so temporary is like chasing your own tail. Consider giving it up and annexing your drive toward perfectionism out of for good.
This means that there is no finish line and you’ll benefit from practicing these skills for the rest of your life. Sorry to break this to you, but this is not like an immunization that you have once and forget about. This involves a shift in your perspective, including views of yourself, people and circumstances around you.
Thoughts on Improving Self-Esteem
Jessica Plancich is a Los Angeles based marriage family therapist, wellness practitioner and a writer, coach and co-owner of AverageGuy, Inc. For over 10 years, she’s worked with individuals, families and couples to realize their fullest potential and bring it into their relationships. She offers both a clinical and female perspective on coaching men in their relational and personal journeys. Her professional, direct and yet candid approach offers solid insight and practical directives to motivate and inspire men to be exceptional. Visit [http://www.AverageGuy.com] to learn more about building your confidence and self-esteem. When you join the site you’ll get 6 hours of audio training to kick start your transformation.
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